not so great expectations

I recently found myself trying to talk an Executive team into allowing their employees the use of Facebook and Twitter. There’s a ton of already written about using social media for brandingbuilding community, fund raising, etc. I’m not inventing the wheel here. But they are afraid people will waste time on Facebook and Twitter.

Of course they will, especially if you expect them to. Especially if you tell them NOT to waste time on Facebook or Twitter or Bebo.

In my experience, everything flows downstream. People act the way you treat them, the way you expect them to.

There’s also a ton of documentation already written about that as well – particularly in educational settings. If you expect the child to fail, to be disruptive, etc. there’s a good chance s/he will. And vice versa. If you expect them to shine, that’s probably going to happen as well.

The thing is, nine times out of ten, you get what you expect.

Growing up, I worked in restaurants. The Jolly Swagman was an Australian restaurant on Long Island.  It was a family run business and they treated all of us like part of the family. Staff meals were delicious, the same fine food that was served to the customers.  Nothing was off limits, we could eat or drink anything we wanted. I worked as a prep cook, spending a lot of time shelling cooked lobsters and crab into two giant sinks. One for the delicious cooled cooked meats and one for shells. The first night, as I worked, I ate my fill of chilled lobster, well within eye-sight of the manager.

That was the first and only time I abused their generosity.

Years later, I found myself working at an Italian restuarant and piano bar on 52nd Street and 2nd Avenue. I was in desperate need of a job, food, help. It was a bad time in my life, a time I should have been grateful for any hand up. Also a small family business, but here, staff meals were restricted to pasta dishes and on the very first day, I was told I’d be fired if I was caught eating a single shrimp.

We were all reminded of that with regularity.

And so, I stole pounds of shrimp and bottle after bottle of wine. Not that I couldn’t afford the wine. I could, I made pretty good money there. And of course, I was a much bigger drunk by the time I got to 52nd Street than I was on Long Island,  but I got so much pleasure out of stealing something from someone who expected me to, who was waiting to catch me before they even met me and was ready to punish me the minute they did. If they already thought I was stealing and were just waiting to catch me, well, if the shoe fits, I might as well wear it, no?

Social media is a well designed time-suck but the point is, the time-wasting part is an administrative issue. People act the way you expect them to. I’m convinced that’s why I’ve never been in a Radio Shack, anywhere, where the staff is helpful or happy. Or why I’ve never been in an Old Navy where they weren’t.

Everything flows downstream.

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we can drive all night, she said

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : drive all night : driving

I’m driving and the music is blasting.

Frequently.

There are certain bands, certain music that is meant to be listened to in a car, windows open, flying down the road.

I’m starting to come out of a depression that has lasted months. Driving is one of the things I do to fix things. When I don’t know what to do, when I don’t know how I feel or how to name the thing I’m feeling, I run.

I’m a runner from way back. There was never an actual event I could pinpoint and say “I’m running away because…” Mostly I was running in search of. In search of some way to handle feeling…anything. It’s what I do when I don’t know what to do. It’s what I did when I didn’t know what to do.

The first time I ran away from home I was 5 and didn’t make it past the kitchen. I was lured back by the promise of stuffed cabbage.

When I was 7 I made it to the corner, where I stood flummoxed. I had no plan that addressed going off the block.

By 9 I made it to Dunkin Donuts, a mile away, across a four lane highway

At 11 I’d traded room & board for a job on a ranch 100 miles upstate. I got caught 30 miles away on the ticket line at Grand Central Station.

When I was 15, I found a partner in crime. We’d made it 100 miles on our way to California before we got caught at Fort Dix, NJ and dragged home.

Shortly after that, just as people stopped coming after me when I ran away, I learned to drive. To drive fast. To drive fast, to drive all night, to crank the music, so loud it would blast the voices out of my head, take me to Empty, or Fill me Up — whatever was needed at the moment.

The drugs and the drink worked too.

Until they didn’t.

That instinct has never gone away; the urge to run, flee, get free, get far away from anything familiar or anyone who could possibly know me or love me, keep moving, you can’t hit a moving target. I’ve just learned to channel it a little better, recognize it when it calls.

Today I drive. I drive and listen to god. Or I drive and write, scribbling notes in a pad with my right hand while my left hand steers. And still, sometimes, I drive. fast. with the music cranked up, so loud it blasts the voices out of my head, taking me to Empty or Filling me Up. Whichever I need at the moment.

I’m listening to Eddie Money and rocketed back to an awkward adolescence on Long Island, desperate for a way out. I hear his saxophones and then it’s Eddie and Cruisers and there is a way out, I can still fade into the Dark Side if I drive fast enough, if the music is loud enough.

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funny, you don’t look blu-ish

Last night I had dinner with the Death Doulas.

I haven’t talked about this before, it’s felt kind of private. I finished my training in November. As of November, I’m officially ready to go, ready to sit and be companionable to someone who is getting ready to, well, to die. It’s February. I haven’t had any takers. More to the point, I haven’t had any offers.

The head office (do I dare I call it the Death Star?) asked if I’d be interested in working at the palliative care unit of Mt. Sinai hospital, where there is always someone or someones in need of the thing I am now specially trained for.

Mt. Sinai? Inconvenient, sure, but I was born there (even though, rather disturbingly, Big Edie does not remember that fact. Allow me to point out that I am an only child), so I like the poetry of that. Of course, that’s the same reason I moved to Jackson Heights. This is where the folks lived when I was born. Needless to say, sometime soon I have to take a good long look at my thinking processes, but in any event, I said yes.

Last night was the annual Death Star Death Doulas Dinner. I sat opposite a woman named Judy, who, it turned out, grew up on the opposite side of the same town as I did. Our lives started in the same place, took very different paths and wound up in the exact same place at the exact same time.  Not the first time something like that has happened to me. Levittown haunts me. I fear I will move to Italy and  Levittown will continue to haunt me.

Today, in the rain, I started jumping through the hoops required to work at Mt. Sinai. The volunteer coordinator I’d met with last week at East 100th Street gave me lots of papers to fill out and an appointment for a free, but required, physical at…

…East 102nd Street, which consisted of more paperwork, having my blood pressure and pulse taken and that little TB skin pop and band-aid on my left arm. That nurse then sent me to…

…East 96th Street for a blood test to see if I am now, or have I ever been afflicted with measles, mumps or chicken pox. No amount of yes, I remember having it in grade school was going to convince them. I gave them the right arm and left shortly with a second band-aid and took the 5th Avenue bus downtown, passing the Mt. Sinai Children’s wing and sending a prayer up to where ever it is I send prayers up to, that I would not find myself sitting with a child in the palliative care unit.

It happens. Kids die.
I hope I can be who they need me to be if it comes up, but I also hope it doesn’t come up. For my sake, and for the sake of the kids.

On my right was the children’s playground in Central Park and I thought, How lovely. That’s much better.

Until a cab with an ad for Private Eyes drove by reminding me where I came from. I turned my head again, and watched  the Guggenheim go by, where afternoons were spent trying to get cultured, hoping it would rub off by mere proximity as I spiraled first up the building and then down, stopping at every restroom to vomit because of the good brown dope I’d snorted in the cab on the way there.

A small boy pressed the button on the bus and I got off on…

…East 76th Street for the Quest Labs where I was asked to leave my purse and coat in the waiting room and pee in a cup. That sort of request used to send me into a blind panic. It also used to send me driving around town with old boyfriends trying to find someone with clean pee to pee in a cup for them on their way to check in with their probation officer. But those were other lifetimes and I digress. Now, you can take your cell phone and your wallet in with you, but do not wash your hands, do not flush until your pee has gotten the hairy eyeball once over from the Quest nurse.

Normally I don’t care about hand washing so much, because when I pee, I pee in the bowl, not on my hands. Except when I’m peeing in a cup. Then I always pee on my hands. Just a little, but it always happens. So I waited, with pee hands, until Nurse Ratchet was sure it was really my pee I was coming out of the single stall bathroom with and then I was allowed to wash my hands. By then, the pee had dried, so whatever damage pee does to your hands, was already done.

People think that this kind of service, working with the dying, is depressing. Or morbid. But I laughed my ass off last night with those people. They’re bright and funny and loving. They were each there for their own personal reasons.

My therapist, former therapist, from back when I had a job and the kind of medical insurance that covered most of his $275 hour so we could spend week after week after week talking about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my father. And how that effected my romantic life, or lack thereof, today. That therapist’s office is on East 76th Street. I’d walked right past it without even realizing it, until I recognized the florist at the end of the block.

Somehow, at least for this rainy day, I’ve come through the other side. Somehow? In a word, service.

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