only the jodi

A search for simplicity, sobriety, compassion, & the right man. Or at least not another wrong man.
May 12th, 2012

in the beginning, there was my little mommy

My mother was born on Friday the 13th, except it was a Thursday. Don’t bother to look it up – she’ll tell you the truth in the same breath she tells you the lie.

She’ll also tell you exactly how much she paid for the blouse she’s wearing ($7.00), how much it cost originally ($63.00), how she finagled the use of coupons, senior citizen’s discount and a well-timed sale to pull that coup off (this part, usually accompanied by a giggle), and how long she has had it (on average, 22 years – she takes very good care of her clothes). Just ask. Or don’t. She’ll tell you either way.

After my father died, she moved out of the house and into a condo bringing with her no less than 11 pairs of white Keds (for gardening), 8 bathrobes (spring, summer, winter, a little sexy, Daddy’s heavy robe, after bath, travel, Daddy’s light robe), and enough earrings to require a special structure to be mounted on the wall.  The three jewelry boxes were already overflowing with enough colored beads and trinkets to buy Manhattan, and possibly even Staten Island (at the original price, adjusted, of course, for inflation, and discounted, of course, because, well…really? Staten Island?).

When I was a kid, her side of their closet held just two pair of washable polyester pants, three jackets, three or four blouses and a handful of scarves. Everything was red, white, or blue, which made it easy to mix and match, but also gave the impression that she was crazy patriotic. She was, but in a I’ve-read-the-United-States-Constitution way, not in a traditional my-country-right-or-wrong-book-burning-flag-waving, red, white and blue kind of way.

When she was a kid the Great Depression has just hit.  It didn’t let up until she was almost a teen. She’s stuck it out though the Depression, two bouts of breast cancer, two marriages, forty-three years with my father, and twenty years of sleepless nights worrying about her drunken, drug-addicted daughter. She kept a rolodex card with all my vitals: hair color, eye color, tattoos, and scars, in case she was called to claim my body from the morgue. 

She’s entitled to have 11 pairs of sneakers, 8 bathrobes, two walk-in closets, an entire wall full of jewelry, and all of the anything she wants.

This is going to be all about her. My little mommy.

              

September 16th, 2010

spooning mr. pants

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : mr pants Midnight. Spooning with Mr. Crazy Pants.  My back to the window where a gentle early fall breeze blows in. His body curled into me like a furry comma between my breasts, soft as a chinchilla; my chin resting comfortably on his head, pointy ears on either side of my jaw bone. He purrs. Quietly and constantly. It vibrates in my breastbone.

X

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : mr pants close up1am. Still awake. Pants, still comfortably numb beneath my chin, breathes steadily. I try to tune into his rhythms. I toss. I turn. I toss again. Pants waits, and when he thinks I am done spinning in my bed, he walks across my shoulder, steps on my face and curls into my chest, again. We face the window.  And the lighted alarm clock. Which is set for 5am. I think briefly of the cocaine nights I would lay wired, trying to will myself to sleep. Curling around Mr. Crazy Pants, I’m grateful those are over and done.

2am. Actually, it’s kinda chilly.

2:15am. Maybe not. Maybe I should turn the fan on.

2:17am. No, chilly. Definitely freaking chilly. Pull up extra blanket.

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : mr crazy pants3am. Changed pillows. Tossed, turned. Tossed off extra blanket. Dragging Pants with me when I flip over to prevent him from stepping on my face as he repositions himself. Cause, really, ten pounds of cat standing on my face is NOT restful.

X


jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : the dowager queen3:27am. Yet another party heard from. The feral cat has joined the party, sitting heavily on the foot of the bed. Staring. With that annoyed expression. I feel her disapproval, even in the dark.  Cranky, but chicken, she will run and hide if my feets get too close. I pull myself very small, curled around Pants, so as not to disturb the Dowager Queen. One hour and 33 minutes. That should be enough, assuming I can fall asleep. Now.  Or Now.  Or Now….Soon.

4am. Awake.
4:15am.
Awake.
4:17am.
Still awake

4 fucking 30 in the morning. Mr. Crazy Pants, tired of this nocturnal tumult, has decided to be the outside of this nights spooning couple. Draped over my head on the pillow, front feets dangle in my face, back paws stretch along my neck, I wear him like a party hat. Or a faux-hawk. Or a kitty-hawk.

4:45am. Pants isn’t moving, he’s over it. Stick a fork in him, he’s done. I turn. He stays. And my face is buried in his belly. He purrs on, sleeps undisturbed. One eye open, I watch the lighted clock. 4:46. 14 minutes left to sleep.

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : moonbeam clock small4:50am. The clock starts to pulse with light – a gentle way of waking. The back of one eyelid throbs red with the pulsating light. The other is buried in belly fur. Along with my nose. Which is stuffed, because, despite living with cats my entire life and living with denial slightly longer than that, I am, Allergic. To. Cats.

XX

XX

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : moonbeam clock med5am. Snooze. Flip. Cuddle. Just fifteen more minutes. If I could get just fifteen minutes of sleep I would be okay. The Dowager Queen is back. She stares daggers at me from the foot of the bed and then leaves. I feel her judgment. It is, after all, time for her breakfast, and I am obviously a lazy slacker. I will be punished.


5:15am. Snooze. If she is the Queen, Pants is the court jester. And the court jester is awake. The morning ritual begins. He digs under my head with his own triangular fur-covered bone head. Pushing my head off the pillow, burrowing underneath me, demanding a lap, a hand, a canoodle, to be cuddled, petted, played with, fed.

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : moonbeam clock lg

X

X

5:30am. I give up. Resistance is futile. And so, our day begins. No sleep for the sleepy.

XX

XX

X
X

x


jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : spooning : pants relaxed8:39am. Exhausted from a morning of burrowing, eating and a long night of sleeping, Pants lays next to me, asleep, peacefully. The Dowager Queen has gone back into hiding, sleeping inside the box spring of my bed.

Were that I were a cat, and could drop wherever I find myself, simply stop, drop and sleep.

March 8th, 2010

sex and violins, or “I’m not dropping my drawers for Babs”

jodi sh doff  : onlythejodi : sexandviolins : sexy music

In case you were wondering, I can be seduced by good music.

When the music is really good, you can just leave. Once you put the music on, your work is done. The music is enough. El Farol from Santana’s Superstition, for example. Take a moment to listen. Let it play while you read….

I hear that and I’m being made love to, slowly. Deliberately. Expertly.

The music you bring sets a mood, sure. But, it also tells me who you are, where you’ve been, where you want me to go. You choose something like Santana and I’ll overlook a lot of other things. The very essence of creating music is so sensual that when it’s beautiful, no matter what they look like, how they keep themselves, musicians are transformed by the music they make.

A dozen years or so ago, I was being seduced to Barbara Streisand. When I was a knock-around girl, the wiseguys spun the crooners: Frank, Dean, Tony. That music was campy, but those guys had a style, a certain appeal. But Streisand? For seduction? C’mon, I think Streisand, I think Yentl. Funny Girl. Babs looking like Juan Epstein in her annoying version of “A Star is Born.”

I do not think sexy. I do not think free. I do NOT think of your hands on me, making my body sing.

All I remember of that night is thinking “Streisand? Are you kidding me? I’m really gonna need a drink to get through this.” This was three or five years after I’d had my last drink.  I didn’t have the drink and maybe I can blame his crappy taste in music for distracting from, rather than enhancing, the experience; maybe he wasn’t a good lover ( I can’t swear we did or didn’t, but we probably wound up in bed despite Babs. “No” wasn’t a word I was particularly familiar with yet.); maybe I had no business being there and Streisand was the red flag I ignored (as I am wont to do with red flags).

I’m just saying, if, at the very least, you leave me with good musical memories I’ll have a reason to come back for more. And remember more than your bad musical taste.

The first time I heard Eminem was also the first time I heard the sound track to Heaven’s Gate.  Slim Shady was foreplay, it got my attention. That’s what foreplay is supposed to do. I remember every moment of the music. And every movement of the man. It didn’t work out for us, but I think of him and smile any time I hear a country waltz.

From the Night of Endless Streisands, I got nothing.

Music isn’t part of seduction. It is seduction. You should know that.
And, I will leave you for Van Morrison, Neil Young, Carlos Santana, Leonard Cohen. You might as well know that, up front, as well.

Thanks to Anna Pulley, whose tweet inspired this post.

Enjoy