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I drove blind pig drunk for five accident & ticket free years. Part of that time I worked for the Parking Violations Bureau, doing collections, tracking down & harassing deadbeat scofflaws. At 40, just over the invisible age line of so cute a wink and a nod makes trouble disappear, I moved to Brooklyn and began my own parking ticket collection. I like to think of the NYC PVB as Adult Ed, with tuition payments on an installment plan.

Over the past 10 years I’ve studied:

• Ancient History:If the street opposite the cut in the curb no longer exists, it’s still considered a pedestrian ramp ($165)
• Metaphysics:Bus stops expand to fill the space allotted to them by the next traffic sign, even if that next traffic sign is three blocks away ($115)
• Philosophy: Inspections & registration stickers are equal in the eyes of the DMV, a dashboard & a windshield, however, are not ($65 each)
• Art : The Braille method of parallel parking dents your license plates, rendering them, um, dented ($65)
• The New Math : 15 feet + fire hydrant = 30 feet ($115)
• English as a Foreign Language : A “5 minute pit stop” does not mean the same thing to everyone ($115 – double parking).
• Conflict Resolution, Remedial Level : I believe in my constitutional right to risk my life. If I want to stab myself in the leg repeatedly with a fork (I do not), it ain’t nobody’s business if I do. The officer agreed in theory. In fact,  however, he looked at me, cocked his head and handed me a ticket, mumbling  about safety, seat-belts, my congressmen & something sounding suspiciously like “crazy old broad”. I repeated this class several times & despite prior knowledge of the questions, I never came up with the right answers. ($225)
• Advanced Economics – transfer credits: Cellphone violations started at $160.  I bought a Bluetooth for $20 and went straight to the head of the class
  

I finally got the hang of parking tickets – okay, not really, but I did get a garage so I don’t get them anymore. Okay, not really, but I don’t get as many. I’ve managed to total three cars without a single moving violation. Apropos of that, I’ve also earned a theater degree without reading Shakespeare and a BA without the SATs. It’s a knack, I’m blessed. Past tense. At 50 I moved to Queens, shifted it all into overdrive and enrolled in an advanced degree in moving violations, points and higher insurance rates.

Speeding Ticket Math
(40 mph > speed limit = 8 points) ÷ (prematurely white hair) = (4 pts) + (chatty call to the court clerk about an imaginary “maniac” chasing me on the highway*) = [-1 pt]) = (3pts) *I pictured Christopher Walken. I picture Christopher Walken whenever an opportunity presents itself.

Running of the Red Lights – a play in one act
He wondered : Where were you going in such a rush?
I thought : Well, the truth is I have to pee, really badly.
I said : I was so close when it turned I was afraid to slam on the brakes. (which wasn’t even close to the truth, stopping hadn’t even crossed my mind.)
He said : Well, the speed limit is 35 and if someone were going slightly over the limit I could see how that would be hard to stop (translation: Please stop talking. Don’t make me give you a speeding ticket on top of this. Only your white hair is saving you ).
I shut up. Finally.
Close Curtain.

Effective July 1, 2008, the surcharges on New York speeding tickets and other traffic tickets increased from $50 to $60, increasing again to $80 on August 1, 2008.This surcharge must be paid in addition to the fine on any New York State moving violation conviction.

The fine was listed on the back of the ticket ($150). Plus a surcharge ($60) . Paying online I discovered the secret fine print extra extra surcharge ($20).  Wait. What? $230? and 3 more points?!?!?

Next time I’ll just pee myself and buy a new pair of pants.