That was the title of a book on my parents shelf as I was growing up. I don’t remember reading it, but came away nonetheless with the decision there are really only two choices, neurotic or psychotic, so you may as well be happy with the lesser of two weevils. Then came David and Lisa, if you haven’t seen it, do. It’s Romeo & Juliet in a mental institution. Keir Dullea (David) can’t bear to be touched, Janet Margolin (Lisa) is schizophrenic and bothher personalities are wacked. I totally related to both David and Lisa and started rhyming in my head. See it, you’ll understand.
In my childhood home, not exactly Beaver Cleaverland, there was simply no shot of becoming a “well-adjusted” adult,so I became accustomed to my quirks, embraced my crazy. I turned my mental lemons into mental lemonade. Each of those little neuroses we see in each other, in ourselves, they’re frequently nothing more than survival mechanisms that have outlived their usefulness.
Recently, Therapy Guy called me “a little paranoid” and “hyper-vigilant”. He’s not the first to whack me with a diagnostic yardstick, I’ve got a million of them, it’s how I roll. Over the years, I’ve been called, in no particular order, paranoid & hyper vigilant (I mean really. If everyone is against me, I HAVE to be on my toes), a borderline personality, suffering from dissociative disorder (that got me 8 years of government support, 2 of which I have to pay back, but I like to think of it as a tax free, interest free student loan) and my crowning achievement at the age of 12, “You need to have that child committed, she is beyond professional help”. We have however, ruled out Asperger’s, Autism & Schizophrenia.
In lieu of therapy this week, I took an online diagnostic test, cause hey, you never know what new crazy could be lurking unattended. The thing is I can’t NOT take those tests. Just like I can’t NOT straighten the magazines in the doctors office, clean up the leftover receipts while I wait for my money at the ATM, count subway stairs every single time I go up or down. The number of steps is always the same. I don’t bother to remember what the number is. I couldn’t actually care even the tiny bit less than I do. I count because I count, which loosely translated means: I count, therefore I am.
But those little OCD tendencies are what make me good at my job. I work for a very cool magazine, one of those places you dream about. Not me, but you know, people do. College & high school kids come through all the time & we tell them all what we do, how the magazine gets put together, what uniquiely qualifies us for our jobs. What makes me most qualified is my OCD, of which, by the way, I scored very high on that little test.
Here’s how this nut broke down, in a nutshell:
- OCD : They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. (hello?!)
- Paranoia – characterized by a distrust of others, a constant suspicion that people have sinister motives & the search for hidden meanings in everything.
- Histrionic– They need to be the constant center of attention & may dress provocatively to gain attention. (I don’t know what they’re talking about…)
Each one of my seventeen little squirrels has a name and a job to do. Some days they work together and it’s a thing of beauty. Some days the best they can do is run around & around & around in their little hamster wheel in my head, but you gotta work with what God gives you. Sometimes you get candy & treats, sometimes you get a rock.
I count, therefore I am. I’m thinking of having T-shirts made. Place your orders early, you know you want one. Or two. One for each of your personalities. How many you got?
This was a BRILLIANT read, I feel somewhat normal now……… Thanks for the post. Whenever I get rocks instead of candy I paint them or make them into baubles!