Sometimes when I go to a meeting or a presentation, or unfortunately even when I’m hanging out chatting with friends, I already have in mind what I want to say or ask when the speaker stops talking & it’s finally my turn. I listen to what you’re saying, but really, all that’s on my mind is how I can tie what you’re saying back to my point, my question. Or I’m repeating a phrase in my head so I don’t get distracted by your words & forget mine. That’s certainly not conversation. Technically, it isn’t even listening. It’s acting like I’m listening.
lis·ten intr.v. lis·tened, lis·ten·ing, lis·tens
- To make an effort to hear something: listen to the radio; listening for the bell.
- To pay attention; heed: “She encouraged me to listen carefully to what country people called mother wit”(Maya Angelou).
There’s no effort to hear on my part, no heeding. What I’m really doing, is waiting. I’m waiting for you to stop talking so I can start.
To really listen I have to let go of my plans of speaking, my need to be heard; to stop creating flowery words, clever anecdotes, right answers, perceptive quips in my head. I have to shift my attention from Me to You. To really hear what you’re saying, I have to let go of my preconception of you, your needs, your information & start fresh. I also have to let go of my expectation of what I’m supposed to do with the information you’re giving me. That’s harder than you’d think. It means staying present & in the moment and anyone who has ever tried Zen meditation knows how hard that is.
Conversely, there’s some comfort in knowing that when I’m talking, I can tell my deep darks with no worries – I know I’m not the only one out there acting like I’m listening. But I do wonder what it is you’re thinking about when you’re not thinking about Me…
what?