I have a Chinese tattoo that loosely translates to “The end of Crisis is the beginning of Opportunity“. I think that’s what it says. It may be “I take dangerous risks but I’m a very lucky girl.” It all depends who you ask.
These last three weeks since VIBE went out of business have been about finding the Opportunity in the Crisis. For me, that means finding order. I bought a white dry erase board and started writing down…things. Every-things.
Things I wanted to do (stand up comedy, tshirt business, vet tech school).
Things I was good at (writing, photography, animal care).
Things that needed to get taken care of (spackle, paint, fix the kitchen faucet).
Causes (animals, sex worker rights).
Shopping lists. Money in / Money out lists. Job possibilities. Dream jobs. Fantasy jobs. Volunteer jobs.
By the end of the first week there was no more room on the white board. It wasn’t even a metaphor for my life it was my life and there was no breathing room.
Michaelangelo said “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” The whiteboard was my marble and I need to carve, cut, clear out, eliminate, purge, and hone things down. I feel like I have no right to complain about suffering from abundance, but my angel is being crushed.
There is too damn much on my plate. I need a Zen Palate sort of plate rather than this $5.99 all you can eat buffet.
I use Gmail colored labels to sort my emails. WRITING, MONEY, SEX WORK, EVENTS, GRAD SCHOOL, ANIMALS. I can see in a flash what takes up my time. 75% of my emails fell into one subject category, SEX WORK. I write about it, I was an advocate for sex workers rights at one point. But 75% ? That’s too much for someone who’s not still doing the work or working towards an MSW. CUT. ERASE.
White space appears on the board.
In a box I’d called TEACHING on the board were notes to finally get my teaching certification going – ten years after my training. Except my training is outdated, I’d need to start from scratch. And I don’t really want to teach. FAIL. CUT. ERASE.
The more I cut, the more I erase, the more white space appears. And the only things left are the things I love. I’m setting the angel free.
In the center of the white board it says “I‘m a writer. I’m funny. I’m a funny writer who loves animals” It also says “Write what you know. I know loneliness, compassion, fear and funny”
Somewhere in there is my angel.
gawd jodi this is a good site. how the feck did you get all this going. i had a raw shiver when i was reading one passage about what to do with you life and being an elementary school teacher. i thought it was me, some transcendental joke. i forgot you told me about your pedigogcial pursuits there. anyway, i am procrastinating from writing and searching for jobs. seems too big, i’ve made it that way. something that always needs another banana. so i carve (yes, i get it, that’s why it hurts) and try to pare it down.
your blog is wonderful.
thought for the day…..
I get the notion of too big and so simply shut down. That’s where the white board, or any system of writing things down works. It gives you the ability to list EVERYTHING. But then, break it down to smaller particles and start attacking the small things.
Seriously. That silly old saying, Rome wasn’t built in a day? It’s all one brick at a time, one day at a time, one phone call at a time. Some days I can make a half dozen calls. Other days I can only do one thing from the list. But it’s done. It’s progress. Slow, but progress none the less, allowing me time to mull things over and decide if this sculpture, this new life, is turning out the way I envisioned, or if slight corrections are needed….