It would help if I knew where I was going.
I don’t. I only know I’m on the right path and while I’m pretty clear that the journey is more important than the destination, I’m still the girl who needs to know things. Not knowing drives me crazy.
But the journey is about growth & compassion, about releasing the angel that already lives inside of me. It’s about faith & creativity and as my friend Edie Jane says, Just do the work.
Airplanes have auto-pilot. You set your final destination, push go (whatever, leave me alone on this one) and the plane goes where you want it to. I imagine it’s something like my GPS system, but without me having to physically turn the wheel, hit the gas or slam on the brakes.
In a perfect world, with no friction, turbulence, pressure, wind or change, the plane would go from A to B in a straight line.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t live in a perfect world. I live in a world where things change, emergencies come up, more is revealed, people change their minds, risks are taken and things are lost. Nothing drastic happened. I’m still shopping locally. Still headed in the general direction of compassionate work but:
More was revealed:
I turned down what I would’ve thought was a dream job in a dream town. I’m rooted to my community and will move when I either have a partner to move with, or I can convince you to come with me. I get lonely. I hate that word, I hate that I do, but I do, I get lonely without you.
People change their minds:
I was rejected by an agent who had two days earlier loved me. It felt personal. It probably wasn’t, but it felt like it was. And maybe that’s okay, because my work, my writing, it is personal. I have no control over what other people think of me. I barely have any control over what I think of me, but I’m responsible for my actions, so I pick myself up and move on.
Risks are taken:
I started my end-of-life doula training last week. That’s so personal I’m not ready to talk about it yet. Soon, but not yet.
There’s that little story about God and the rowboat? It’s like God and I are in a rowboat, and God says, “You can steer or you can row.” I just need to remember God don’t row.
So I do the work, pull up my big girl panties and hang on. I got myself a window seat. I don’t want to miss a minute of the ride.
I think your writing is really good. And I don't say that often. Keep the faith and keep writing. As one author put it, "It's either that or die."
Thanks Pickle! I know that feeling. For me it usually comes up as "Dye my hair? Stick my head in the oven?" Both about equal as mood changers. I used to be a talent agent and I told my clients, actors, that if you're good at anything else, you'll never be a success because when things get rough, you'll go to your fall back. I'm starting to see that in myself as well.